After a grueling day of relief efforts in Honduras a few months ago, we all loaded into vehicles to head back from Danli to Zamorano for the night. As we were leaving it began to rain. There were probably 12 or so of us riding in the bed of the truck. The 30 minute trip back to Zamorano was cold, wet and a little painful from rain drops pelting us as the truck sped along the highway. The pro to the situation was that the downpour was washing all of the mud and sweat from the day off of us as well as providing us with a fun memory.
Before we actually got out of the Danli city limits, we sat in traffic for a while. The rain was refreshing and it was nice to laugh and talk with everyone. At this point I had been in Honduras for probably 10 days and experienced things that should have made me nervous, but didn't. I had not experienced any real feelings of fear. I remember looking to my right, away from my friends in the truck and noticing that flood waters that had receded the night before were rising in the river. I had a sick feeling in my gut that all the people we had helped that day would be in a worse situation the next day if the rain didn't stop.
Then, fear struck. My friend and travel companion from the U.S., Andrew was looking in the same direction as me, but his gaze was on the water inching higher and higher on the truck tires and I realized that not only were the people of Danli in danger, we were too. Fear. I scoped out my surroundings with an outward calmness, listening to my friends laughing and talking excitedly in Spanish, oblivious to the approaching danger. I panicked on the inside and thought: if we are washed away what would be able to grab onto? I saw a stop sign, an uprooted tree.....would I be able to grab any of my companions before they were washed away?
All of these realizations, thoughts and emotions happened in probably a minute or less. I looked at Andrew hoping he would shoot a reassuring look at me and I could calm down. He didn't. He looked concerned, not panicked, but "concerned" was all I needed for the anxiety to start. Quickly, I put my head down and breathed slowly and prayed. All I could whisper was, "God please help us. Keep these kids safe. Let them get home. Keep them in the truck and the truck on the road."
It did not stop raining but traffic started moving. Water had filled a street perpendicular to the one we were on and was flowing swiftly around us and yet I was filled with this immense peace. It was the kind of peace where I knew we would be fine, whether we were delivered from the circumstances or washed away. I thought, "if it's my time to go, there's no place I'd rather die than here." Sounds strange, especially now, but it was a spectacular knowledge that, no matter what, I was in God's hands.
I had a bad day at work today and have had insomnia for going on two weeks now. The bad days and insomnia are creating a viscious cycle since one can't really improve without the other improving.....I've been keeping up a positive attitude and trying to start each day fresh but end up with heart palpitations by the end of the day.
Today, driving home from work I felt a little like things were closing in and that the weight of the world was rising up on me just like the water had been rising up on the truck in Honduras....the brink of danger. I took a deep breath while sitting idle waiting for the light to turn green and when I exhaled started humming a song I've heard on the radio about a hundred times. The same line, over and over and over again:
"Let the waters rise, if you want them to....Let the waters rise, if you want them to...."
What's the next line? I twirled my hair around my finger, a new stress habit I recently picked up.
"I will follow you."
"Let the waters rise, if you want them to. I will follow You, I will follow You."
God, please help me. Protect my heart.
I experienced that same extreme peace that I felt in Honduras when I felt we were in imminent danger. Whether or not I'm delivered from this I will follow Him.
How awesome is it that God gives us physical and spiritual parallels to help us understand our circumstances? If I had not gone through that experience in Honduras I'm not sure Iwould have been as willing to hand my recent struggle over to him.