Monday, April 25, 2011

Post-it Art: I Love Clean Toilets

It may be strange to randomly state that I love clean toilets because, really, who doesn't love a clean toilet?  I may love them more than you, though.  Trust me, it's not a competition, but when you've spent a good portion of your life with your face in a toilet, you develop an obsessive compulsion around its cleanliness.  Whether it's due to a virus that my pathetic immune system can't fight off or migraine induced I'm no stranger to. . .I'm going to say it. . .vomiting.

Side note:  I looked up synonyms for the word 'vomit'.  I don't recommend googling it because one of the first results was a slew of pictures along with the synonyms.  It doesn't bother me; but it may bother you.

Back to clean toilets!  I will clean the toilet in my apartment several times a week.  It's just a habit I'm in.  I can be in the middle of straightening my hair or applying make up and I will stop what I'm doing to give the toilet a quick yet thorough scrubbing.

Yesterday, Easter Sunday, I walked out to my car after church.  I was supposed to go to a friend's house for lunch and was excited about it!  When I got to my car though I had this weird urge to drive straight home and go to sleep.  My body was threatening me, "If you don't go home and go to sleep, we will make you pass out!"  (I don't know why I think of my body as a "we". . .)  So, I drove straight home, and all 30 minutes of the trip I was thinking about how I just wanted to lay down and sleep.  So I did.  As soon as I got home I curled up on my couch and slept for the next three hours.

Suddenly, I sat up, startled and groggy. 

Must.Clean.Toilet. 

What?  I stumbled around wishing I could go back to sleep but didn't think my brain would let me until I cleaned the toilet.  "I am so weird,"  I thought to myself.  No wonder I'm single.  I cleaned the toilet top to bottom and inside out, washed my hands, and sleepily stumbled back to the couch. 

I lay there fairly comfortably but I couldn't go back to sleep.  I tried deep breathing, I tried covering myself with a blanket, I changed positions. . .nothing.  Then the left side of my head started pounding.  Sure sign of a migraine.  This would explain the extreme tiredness earlier.  As soon as the pain hit so did the nausea. 

The head pain and nausea lasted hours.  I wanted to sleep through it and wake up feeling better but that wasn't going to happen.  For three agonizing hours I lay curled up on the couch having extreme thoughts:  I would either die or I would miraculously get better.  And I was hoping for both.

I won't go into lots of detail here but don't pretend you haven't ever thrown up.  Ewwww what is she talking about?  She said 'nausea' and 'vomit'.  Stay with me, the post-it  illustrations get better!

So lying there for hours hoping to die or get better, my body chose the happy medium.  "You shall puuuuke!"  It's amazing how quickly and fluidly I can get from the couch, around the corner, over a tub of winter clothing and to the bathroom.  I'm in crazy silent panic mode, my hair whipping wildly behind me.  This is when I am thankful for my long, frog-like legs.  In two and half gazelle-like strides I'm nearing the bathroom.

In this moment, I have what seems like hours worth of thoughts running through my mind:
"Get.To.Toilet."
"Wow.  I'm really glad I cleaned the toilet a few hours ago.  That was really lucky."
"I'm going to need a hair tie"
"Oops.  No time for a hair tie.  Hope none of it falls into the toilet."
"I hate puking.  But I wonder if I will lose any weight as a result of this."

Then, comes the leap!  After the long stride, my foot hit the linoleum of the bathroom floor and I become air born:

The trick is to grab the outer rim with your right arm, so that your face is as close to the toilet as possible while simultaneously swinging your body around until you are in perfect vomiting position.

Like this:

Reason number one for why I really love clean toilets:  For the next few hours, my face will be intermittently smashed against the seat of the toilet while I sleep for 10-15 minutes at a time.  If this happened to you on a regular basis, you would really love clean toilets too!

2 comments:

  1. Hyperbole and a Half ripper-offer.... Nice job though... Site looks good.

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  2. Whatev. I started post it art long ago. The reason I like hyperbole and a half is because she thinks like me.

    ReplyDelete