Tuesday, January 17, 2012

If I Ever Marry

If I ever marry, I want a guy who will leave me alone while I am agonizingly sick; a guy who won't try to talk to me when I'm nauseous or in excruciating pain.  Someone who will, instead, quietly say, "I'll be out {insert verb here} golfing?  watching football?  hunting? call me if you're actually going to die."  And I will pathetically squeak back, "Thank you.  Please get out."

I am ill and injured frequently.  If you have followed me for very long, you know this.  Viruses, allergic reactions, migraines, certain foods and additives, pain from unfortunate tumbles down stair cases or car accidents, shoulder dislocations, stress. . .they all make me vomit.  I like to deal with the horrible pre-cursor symptoms alone.  Male voices increase nausea when I'm nauseous.  It's been that way since I was a child.  I love my brothers, but growing up, as soon as their voices changed I couldn't stand for them to say anything to me while I was sick.  It's weird; I'm aware of this.  So, randomly the other morning, I started thinking that if I ever do marry I have to have a guy who will "get" this about me and just leave.

However, if I ever marry, this same guy will need to know that after the worst is over and I'm curled up on the bathroom floor, thankful to still be alive but sort of hoping to die, I need some clear pedialyte, saltine crackers, and ice cubes.  Just place them by the bathroom door and another departure can be made. Don't move me to a comfortable bed, I prefer the cold bathroom floor and tiny rug.  I will need my iPhone however, so I can check work emails. 

That's it.  That's all I really want.  Someone who will not be freaked out by sporadic vomiting and stroke emulating migraines, who will leave me alone when I'm sick and bring me the necessities for recovery.  Oh yes, and he has to think I'm organically hilarious. It's the simple things, I guess.

I apologize to any close friends and family members who thought this was going to be some kind of romantic, whimsy-laced post about my dream wedding or a knight in shining armor.  If you felt hopeful before you read this, then you don't know me very well and we should go out for coffee sometime :)

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