Sunday, March 10, 2013

I wish

I am jealous of my six year old nephew.  I wish I were more like him.  He has the ability to freely express his love and gratitude.  Today, he ran across the church sanctuary, leaped up onto the pew I was standing in front of, then flung himself on to me and hugged me tightly.  I was talking to another adult at the time and most people in my situation probably would have scolded my nephew for running and leaping in church or for interrupting an adult conversation.  I didn't scold him.  I soaked in every second of his expression of love.  I held him tight and told him I loved him.  My adult conversation soon resumed but my nephew remained in my arms.

Later in the day I sat at my Aunt Janice's bedside.  I gently hugged her and told her that I loved her.  It was in a quiet moment between us when I realized I had too much to say and she was too tired to endure all I wanted to tell her. That's when I became jealous of my nephew.

I wish that every time I had spied my Aunt  from across the church sanctuary as a kid I would have run over and hugged her, but I was a timid child.  I waited until adults spoke to me and then I would politely respond.  I didn't leap or interrupt conversations.  I wish I had.

I wish I hadn't had to try to cram what my Aunt means to me on 5 sheets of pretty stationery.  I wish I hadn't thought I had plenty of time to express my love and gratitude toward her.  I wish I hadn't waited until two weeks before my move across the country and until she was in the late stages of cancer.

At the risk of sounding depressed and regretful, I want to say this:  I am thankful that I felt the urge to write her a letter this week, that I wrote it, and that I got to tell my wonderful, amazing, beautiful Aunt that she is all those things and more.  I am thankful that her children are my close friends.  I am thankful that she is one of my greatest role models in life.  She has been my biggest cheerleader, musically.  I love that she loves me and that even today, feeling fatigued and sick, she let me know that she's excited about my engagement.

If you are a random reader and don't know her, you should wish that you did.  Your life would have been 1000 times more awesome with her in it.

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