I cannot seem to formulate a complete blog post with a beginning, middle, and end. It dawned on me that this blog is called Mind of Me so why not just throw out some random things that have been on my mind?
On My Mind #1
I read through some old blog posts and some of the comments readers left for me. It was fun! On a few of the posts my Aunt Janice had commented. I sat and stared at the light hearted, simple comments she left to validate me and couldn't move. I then frantically searched through my photos on facebook to find her comments there too. Just seeing "Cute! Love, Aunt JLW" made my heart ache in a happy and a sad way.
I am going back to Missouri in a few weeks and dread attending church with my family because every time I think about it I expect to see her. I expect her to spot me from her pew and make her way toward me to say, "Hello, Dearie! And how are you?" and give me a hug. I know she won't be able to so a major part of me doesn't want to be there to witness my own disappointment. I bet she didn't know how much that simple yet consistent interaction meant to me over the last 11 years before she passed away.
On My Mind #2
I learned a few weeks ago that my ex-fiance whom I haven't even spoken to for 8 years got married. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut, not because I still have feelings for him, but because I had started planning a life with him. Even though I am quite sure we would be divorced now had we gotten married, and even though I am crazy happy with my soon-to-be husband and with my life as a whole, I still had that horrible feeling of not being good enough.
Do you know what's awesome about the whole situation though? I have an amazing fiance who let me spill all of these emotions to him and he didn't get all weird about it. In fact, he told me it's perfectly normal to have those feelings. Being good enough had nothing to do with the demise of that relationship, it was about the two of us not being the right fit. I know this to be true.
On My Mind #3- this one might turn into a whole stand-alone post.
Why is it that people can't let me plan my own wedding without jumping in with opinions about the venue I chose, whom to invite, the time of year? The worst part is that most of this is going on behind my back and I hear about it later, usually by accident. Seriously, everything else about wedding planning is going so smoothly it's ridiculous so I am trying not to let people, who should be supporting me and letting me throw my own party, bring me down. For real, friends, if you know someone who's planning a wedding, smile and nod and tell them that their ideas are awesome or don't say anything at all, unless of of course the bride asks for your opinion.
On My Mind #4
It seems that most of my random thoughts are on the negative side. Hmmmm. I guess I should have title this: Things I've been struggling with quietly that I want to get off of my chest. That title is too long so I will keep it as is.