What's wrong with me? What's wrong with them? I have racked my brain and can't figure it out. I'm sure stage of life has something to do with it. People have demands with work, family, and extra curricular activities, but didn't my friends and family back home in the Midwest? Didn't we all have things going on that could keep us apart for long periods of time? Sure, we did but it didn't keep me from making new connections on a regular basis, acquaintances at least.
I feel more perplexed than bitter, for right now. More hurt than angry. I feel very lonely and I feel guilty saying that because my marriage is awesome. My husband is awesome. I have a best friend here and he's proven to be totally willing to be my fill-in shoe shopping buddy, my coffee date, and my all-things-vain consultant. I'm here, away from everyone and everything I love, because of my connection with him. That is what keeps me sane. This is right for me. He is right for me.
I am lonely.
I crave the random moments when my schedule would magically sync up with a good friend's and we would excitedly meet up for an evening cup of coffee or fit in a dinner date, or even show up at each other's homes for chips and salsa and a movie. All the while, talking about life. Sharing joys and frustrations, making jokes, and feeling free and comfortable to be vulnerable, even stupid sometimes, knowing we weren't judging one another.
Connection is much more complicated than I thought. The lack of it has stripped me of knowing who I am when I'm here. Where do I fit? How do I act?
Throw in the complications of being thrown into a Just Add Water Family, a job with no co-workers, a church with no one my age, and crazy deep longing to be able to see my sweet nieces and nephews more often and it equals a difficulty I never imagined. I thought all my difficulties here would be external; they would be learning to be married, learning to be a good step mom to teenagers. I did not think the struggles would be so deeply internal and complicated.
One year without connections is devastatingly difficult but I still have this hope, this drive, to figure out how to find a semblance of home here, maybe a different kind of home, to find something that drives me, and just one objective, impartial, cool person who gets me so that my poor husband can go back to doing manly activities.
For now I have failed to connect. We'll see how tomorrow goes.